


Squeaky Cheese

by faithfulpenelope



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Big Block of Cheese Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:57:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6151362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithfulpenelope/pseuds/faithfulpenelope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's that time of year again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Squeaky Cheese

There was something wrong in the Bartlet White house. Donna Moss couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something was making the senior staff irritable, jumpy, apprehensive even. They had all arrived later than usual, only to scurry into their offices. When Donna entered to brief her boss about his meetings that day, Josh glanced up nervously, then waved for her to close the door.

"You've got a staff meeting in…" Donna checked her watch, "Two minutes. You've got a meeting with Senator Bower at 2, and Sam needs to meet with you about the commerce report. You also need to sign those." She pointed to the stack of papers sitting on the corner of her boss' desk. Josh eyed them, then grabbed the first off the stack.

"Okay, I'll sign these now."

"Josh, are you not listening? You've got staff."

"Yeah, I know," Josh mumbled. He flashed her a fake smile. "I can be a little late."

Donna pulled the pen out of Josh's hand. "Josh? What is going on?"

He made a futile swipe at the pen she now held before sighing. "It's Crackpot Day again."

Ah, the culprit: Big Block of Cheese Day. Donna wondered out loud how she had managed to forget such an event.

"Because you don't have to go to the speech," Josh whined in response. "You don't have to meet with these people. Crackpot Day is proof that under that solid, upright exterior, Leo is a maniac trying to drive us all crazy."

"It's not Crackpot Day, it's Big Block of Cheese Day, and if I have to listen to it, then you have to listen to it," a familiar voice announced. Josh looked around Donna to see Sam standing in the doorway. "Besides, you never even get assigned anyone to talk to. Remember last year? You tormented CJ as she talked to those equality-loving map makers."

Josh considered this. "That is true. You know, come to think of it, that was pretty fun." He rose from his chair, his melancholy evaporating. "You wanna come?" he asked his assistant, tilting his head towards the hall.

Donna snorted. "Are you crazy? I'm not listening to that speech if I don't have to."

Josh glared back, then stepped out of his office and into Sam. "Sam!"

"Hey, boys." Josh looked over Sam's shoulder to see Ainsley. She gave them a sugery smile. "Where's everybody going?"

"It's Big Block of Cheese Day. We're going to listen to the Big Block of Cheese Day speech."

Ainsley's brow furrowed in deep confusion. Josh had to refrain from telling her she was going to get worry lines in her smooth, flawless skin if she kept doing that.

"Big Block of Cheese Day?" she asked warily.

Sam's mouth dropped open. "You don't know about Big Block of Cheese Day?"

Ainsley shook her head.

"You really don't know about Big Block of Cheese Day?" Josh repeated. Ainsley shook her head again. "How do you not know about Big Block of Cheese Day?"

"I don't know," Ainsley stammered. "Is it the same day every year?"

"Yeah."

"Was I here a year ago today?"

"I don't know. Were you?"

"I don't know."

Sam and Josh exchanged amused glances. "Well, you've got to learn about Big Block of Cheese Day," Sam said. Josh nodded vigorously in agreement.

Ainsley shrugged. "Okay."

A side door to Roosevelt Room opened and an annoyed-looking Leo stuck his head out. "Josh, Sam, get in here. Now." He noticed the young lawyer standing next to them. "Hey, Ainsley."

"Hello, sir. Do you mind if I sit in? I'm not familiar with this particular event."

Leo glanced at the two deputies, both of whom were looking around blamelessly. He scowled at them. "Sure, Ainsley." As they past into the room, he grabbed Josh by his suit jacket. "You will be punished for your mocking attitude," he hissed.

"Just trying to make Ainsley feel a little more welcome," Josh replied innocently, disengaging Leo's hand from his jacket and sliding into the empty seat next to Sam. Toby was already slouching to the right of Sam; Ainsley sat on Toby's other side. She smiled at Ziegler, who stared at her in indifference until she turned away. As they sat, CJ entered, sitting across the table from Sam. She gave one last longing look at the door that lead back to her office.

"Stop staring at the door, CJ. There's no way to escape. 'Abandon all hope all ye who enter here' and all that."  
The press secretary scowled at him. "Shut up, Josh," she and Leo chorused.

Josh raised his eyebrows. "Impressive."

"Why are you here?" Toby asked. "You never get assigned anybody to talk to."

Josh grinned. "That's because due to my title as Deputy Chief of Staff, I have more important and pressing things to do."

Leo rolled his eyes. "That's because due to your title as my underling, I'm sending you over to the hill to talk to Senator Matheson."

Josh's smile disappeared. "Why do I have to go see Matheson? He's old, and he mumbles, and he never makes any sense."

"Kind of like you," CJ remarked. Toby, Sam, and Leo chuckled. Josh glared at her.

"Claudia Jean, why are you so mean to me?"

She smirked. "Because, Joshua, it's just so easy."

"You have to go see him because I don't want to," Leo stated flatly. Josh pouted. Toby relaxed into his chair, placated.

"So what is the Big Block of Cheese Day?" Ainsley asked.

All eyes turned to Josh and Sam. "She doesn't know about Big Block of Cheese Day?" Toby asked, turning to look at his deputy. The corners of Sam's mouth twitched upward.

"No."

CJ chuckled. A rare grin filled Toby's face. "Oh."

"What is so amusing?"  
"Nothing, Ainsley. Your colleagues are once again displaying their amazing immaturity," Leo answered shortly. He took a deep breath. "Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House, had a big block of cheese. It was over two tons of cheese."

"And it begins," Josh mumbled under his breath.

"Andrew Jackson?" Ainsley asked. Leo eyed her in annoyance.

"Yes, Andrew Jackson."

"How did he get a big block of cheese?"

Everyone except Leo laughed. "You know, that's a really good question," CJ commented. "How did he get a two ton block of cheese? I mean, there couldn't have been that many cheese factories in 1820's America."

"Let alone one that had a mold for two tons of cheese," Josh added. "I mean, Wisconsin wasn't even a state yet."

"Close your mouths, you two." He looked over his glasses at Ainsley. "May I continue now?"

Ainsley nodded. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

"The cheese was for anyone who wanted it. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience."

"Easy for him to say. There were a hell of a lot less people back then," Sam mumbled.

"That's it," Leo proclaimed angrily, throwing his hands in the air. "Sam, you're back on the list."

Sam's mouth opened in shock as his friends tried valiantly not to laugh. Although the lists of staffers upon whom Leo swore retribution rarely lead to anything, the secret reason why only Sam ever landed on the Cheese Day list was a cause of great irritation to Sam and a source of retaliation in and of itself. Josh began turning an unhealthy shade of red from a lack of oxygen in an effort to restrain his laughter. "What… I… why am I the only one that ever goes on the list?" Sam once again demanded to know. "CJ didn't go on the list! Ainsley didn't go on the list! Josh didn't go on the list, and he calls it Crackpot Day! Why do you always put me on the list?" Toby patted Sam's shoulder reassuringly.

"What list?" Ainsley wondered. Everyone ignored her.

"Because I said so," Leo said, pointing to Sam. "And I control the list!"

"You know," Josh murmured, leaning over to whisper to Sam, "I find if you get your comments in early, Leo's much less like likely to scream. Then you get the one person, usually you, who pushes his over the edge... OW!"

The pop of Leo's hand against the back of Josh's head resounded through the room. Toby covered his mouth in a poor attempt to hide his laughter. CJ's shoulders shook. Sam nodded in satisfaction, as if Josh getting smacked someone balanced out the fact that Sam was once again the only one on the list. Josh rubbed the back of his head gingerly. "You know, I wish that just one year, you all would let me get through this damn speech without any interruptions. Just once!"

"Now, Leo, calm down. Your screaming is really taking away from the spirit of Big Block of Cheese Day."

The whole room rose as Jed Bartlet appeared from behind his chief of staff. Ainsley gulped loudly and smoothed her hair. Leo turned to his boss. "Mr. President, what are you doing here?"

Bartlet waved for everyone to sit as he spoke. "I could hear you yelling from the Oval Office, Leo. I came by to see what all the fuss was about."

"I'm just giving the Big Block of Cheese Day speech."

"I never realized it was such a loud, agitated speech."

"It wouldn't be," Leo explained tightly, "if they would all shut up and let me finish."

"Oh, well, we won't be having any more interruptions, will we, boys and girls?" Bartlet asked.

"No, Mr. President," the staff chorused.

Bartlet turned back to his chief of staff. "Go ahead, Leo," he said, smile still playing on his lips.

Leo looked at Bartlet in annoyance. "Thank you, sir," he intoned. Bartlet smirked. "So, it is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. Margaret?" Leo's assistant stepped forward, folders in hand. "These are your assignments." Groans were heard as the folders were distributed.

"That's the whole speech?" Ainsley asked. The question was more to herself than anyone else, as she had come to realize she probably wouldn't get a response. "That wasn't so bad."

"Are you trying to make me quit? You could just fire me. It would be less work for all of us."

Nobody noticed as Margaret, sensing some hostility would be directed her way, slipped out the door behind Bartlet.

"CJ, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking," she hollered, rising to her feet, "about this!" She threw the folder she had just been handed down on the table. "Maine citizens for an independent nation?"

Snickers were heard from all around the room. Toby, unable to completely suppress his amusement, made a snorting sound before covering his mouth. Sam's jaw muscles twitched. Josh stopped pouting and began to smile.

"And we thought citizens for DC statehood was bad."

Bartlet grinned jovially. Even Leo looked slightly pleased. Only Ainsley failed to appreciate the situation, and frowned.

"Now, CJ, I may have only learned of this event today, but it is my understanding that on this day the White House is to opened to all peoples, especially those who normally have the most difficulty getting an audience. Is it really too much to ask for you to set aside a few hours out of your busy schedule to help this people, and make them feel as though they are being heard?"

The rest of the senior staff watched in rapt attention as CJ stared in shock at the young lawyer. Then CJ opened her mouth, then closed it. She repeated this action, this time with a finger point.

"Uh-oh," Bartlet mumbled.

"This meeting just got a lot more interesting," Josh whispered. Sam nodded happily.

CJ took a deep breath.

Toby shifted his chair a little closer to Sam and away from Ainsley.

"You would dare," CJ began, her words slow and deliberate, "to tell me about taking time out of my busy daily schedule to meet with these people in need? Well, let me tell you something. It is not enough that I have to deal with these people every day." She swept one arm towards Toby, Sam and Josh. "It's not enough that I have to deal with all their problems, with this one pissing of the Christian right and this one screaming at protestors and this one sleeping with call girls."

"Hey!" Sam objected, mostly reflexively. He had ceased being truly offended about the whole incident a long time ago.

"But no, apparently that isn't enough, because once a year, I get assigned to listen to a whole other set of lunatics to make my life difficult." Gone was CJ's calculated tone. Now with each word she spoke her voice became louder and more stressed. "You have no idea what psychos they make me listen to. Do you know what I had to deal with last year? The stellar cartographers for social equality. And do you know what they told me? That Greenland is actually fifteen times smaller that it appears and on the bottom of the globe. Do you know how disturbing it is to learn that Greenland is actually on the other side of the world?"

"No," Ainsley squeaked. She was rapidly turning a bright shade of pink that spread up her throat and into her face. She glanced at the other senior staff for help. None was offered.

CJ, whose face was also turning pink, although not from embarrassment but anger, nodded. "Damn straight you don't know! You didn't sit through it! And that's not even the worst. Would you like to know what I got assigned the year before that?"

"No," Ainsley squeaked again.

"Too bad! Two years ago, I got stuck listening to a group of environmentalists who wanted to build a 72 million dollar highway for wolves. Just for wolves. I tried to tell them that wolves can't read road signs, and therefore would not know the road was for them, but they wouldn't listen. Do you know what that was like, to have a bunch of adults try and convince you that wolves would be able to recognize that you're not supposed to pass when there's a solid line?"

Ainsley just shook her head. Sensing the girl's imminent breakdown, Bartlet finally intervened. "Okay, CJ. I think you've made your point."

CJ looked for a moment as if she might go on, but then remembered who was speaking to her and attempted to calm herself. She took a deep breath, smoothed down her hair, and sat. "Yes, sir."

Ainsley snuffled.

Bartlet looked at CJ pointedly. She eyed him for a moment, then sighed.

"I may have… overreacted," she stated flatly. "I apologize."

"Thank you," the blond whimpered.

"So. Moving on." Leo gestured towards the unopened folders across the table.

Toby's lip twitched. "Could we just… you know, go home now? Because I've pretty much had all the excitement I can handle."

"Folder," Leo growled.

Sam snickered.

"You too, Seaborn."

Josh snickered.

"Shouldn't you be on your way to the hill?" Bartlet asked.

"But…but… I want to stay!"

"You fight tooth and nail to avoid this thing every year," Sam admonished him. Josh glared at him.

"That was before CJ went postal," he hissed.

"Get out," Leo stated. Josh huffed and with a final longing look, disappeared into the hallway.

The room went quiet. Sam and Toby regarded each other, than the blue folders in front of them, then each other again.

"Oh for the love of God, just open them."

Toby gave the folder one last look, then flipped it open. Above his head, Leo shot Bartlet a look, a mischievous gleam in his eye.

"Leo."

"Toby."

"Leo."

"What is it?" Sam squealed, realizing too late that he sounded like a little girl. He cleared his throat. "Sorry."

Toby took a deep breath, then fixed the older man with a stare. "Witches, Leo?"

"No, Toby," Leo admonished. "Wiccans. Apparently 'witches' is derogatory."

"I've got a derogatory word for you…"

"Whoa," Bartlet interrupted, grinning. "President in the room."

Toby glared at him, then rubbed his forehead. "You want me to talk to Wiccans… about getting them official recognized as a religion?"

"But…" Ainsley froze as the entire room turned towards her. "Sorry, sorry, not talking."

Leo sighed. "Make your point, Ainsley."

"Doesn't that violate any tenants regarding church and state?"

"Yes," Toby exclaimed, waving a finger emphatically at Ainsley. She watched it flutter inches from her face, entranced. "Yes. Church and state, Leo. Church and state."

"I see no problem with it," Bartlet stated. "The government decides which organizations should receive tax-exempt status because they're religious organizations all the time."

"There you go," Leo said dryly.

"I tried," Ainsley whispered. Toby looked at her and growled. CJ rolled her eyes.

"So, Sam." Bartlet clasped Sam's shoulder. "What say you?"

He looked up. "Thanks, Leo."

Leo looked at Sam in disbelief. Toby made a choking noise. CJ gaped, then leaned across the table and snatched the folder from Sam's hands.

She made an indignant face. "Leo!"

"What did you give him?" Bartlet demanded. "Supermodels for free massages?"

'No!" Leo protested. "It's a group of dentists bitching about how they don't get the same recognition as regular doctors!"

"Leo," CJ said, "do you not understand that dental hygiene is Sam's favorite subject in the world?"

Leo and Bartlet looked down at Sam. He nodded. "Your teeth are the best friends you'll ever have," he said solemnly.

'You… I can't…. all of you, get the hell out," Leo ordered. "And thank you for another year of cooperation."

Toby didn't say anything, just glared as he walked out the door. CJ managed a tight, "sir," as she passed by. Sam just smiled and nodded. Ainsley followed closely behind, then stopped in the doorway.

"Thank you, sir. This had been very informative." Then she was out the door, leaving Leo and Bartlet standing in the Roosevelt Room.

"So," Leo stated.

"This is who we have helping us run the country," Bartlet responded.

Leo grunted. "Don't remind me."

They fell silent again. Then Leo looked over at Bartlet. The mischievous gleam was back.

"So worth it."

"Oh, hell yes."


End file.
